Middle.

Being in the middle is nothing new for me. Since age 3, I've been the middle child. Most of the time, I'm the swing vote, stuck in the middle of a decision. When people argue, I'm often the middle person, trying to smooth things over as unobtrusively as possible. But when it comes to my own life, my own situations, there are few things I hate more than feeling "in the middle" about something. And lately, situations have been rising that cause me to compromise, to second-guess myself. And I can't stand that.

It's true, I know who I am, what I want, my ideals, my likes, my dislikes. But then this nagging desire to make everyone around me feel just as comfortable with themselves starts to tug at my sleeve.

Perhaps I should go out rather than read.

Why shouldn't I date him? He's a nice guy. Sure, I don't have the strongest feelings toward him, but so what? Why am I so picky?

Maybe it's more along the lines of smothering my lead-the-way tendencies I have to investigate a person or situation, because society says that it's too harsh and abrupt, too forward and aggressive for a girl.

I find myself wanting advice but don't know when to take it. I should know what's best for me, but see those around me doing everything differently and still succeeding. Time serves as an enemy rather than an ally, ticking away and filling up with priorities that overwhelm my desire to simply think and feel, ponder and discover, meditate and delve into myself, my being, my true identity.

I know I am the middle child. I know I am a skilled mediator. But what I need to know is whether I am right, whether I am too much, whether I am not enough, when to listen, when to ignore. I need time to find these things. And yet I find time only to compromise. And then comes the guilt.

My name is Ellen Burkhardt, I am a middle child.